I Hate Dogs

So, besides my Micro class this summer, I seem to have stumbled upon another thing I hate, but do anyways: Dog/House Sitting. Sure, the allure is there: "Amy, move into our fancy shmancy house for a week, we'll buy you food, let you sleep in our bed, watch our giant screen tv, and lay out by our lake, just watch our dogs." But then take into account one- HUGE-problem. I hate dogs. The barking at nothing, the shedding on the couch and DIRECTLY into my sensitive eyes, the jumping on my arm, the humping of my leg, the breath in my MOUTH, the constant desire to play catch... the list could go on for days. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not a heartless "B" that kicks dogs and yells swear words at them (when they don't deserve it), I care for these canines. I give them food, water, some play time, and every now and then I will touch one. I have dog sat for 4 dogs this summer and have one more this next week. I've seen small ones, fat ones, mentally challenged one, dirty ones, and annoying ones. Listen up people! Will someone please tell me what in your right mind makes you go out and by these "companions"? Your 15 year old daughter wants a dog? I would rather you advise her to get pregnant than bring a lab-ra-doodle named Snickers into the house. At least the child will grow up and possibly add to society like be a doctor or at least a waitress for crying out loud. All this dog will do is pee in your house, jump on your guests, be locked in a kennel, contract doggy cancer or cataracts, go completely crazy, and then break your heart when you have to pay a bunch of money to put it down in the most dramatic event of your life. You may see man's best friend, but I have never had a best friend pee in my lap when they got excited, hand me something covered in mucus and expect me to play with them, or stick their face in the crotch of my jeans during an important dinner. Nor have I ever had to yell at a friend for going upstairs, in the kitchen, or basement, or the ten thousand other places pet owners forbid their dog to go. Yea, it kind of sounds like you are buying something you can lock up, lock out, scold, and eventually donate to science: a prisoner.

Your response to someone like me? "Amy! How could you say those things? You know what, come over to my house, you may not like dogs, but you will LOVE my dachshund Frank." NO. I WILL NOT. Your dog is no more special than the other million I have encountered and wanted to test the theory of all dogs going to heaven. Then, with pursed lips and a stuck up nose you say, "Oh, I bet you like cats then, don't you?" And to that I say this...NOPE! Any animal that wakes me up in the middle of the night by sitting on my face and purposely placing their allergens in my eyes and nose for a laugh deserves punishment. I have to say the reason I can stand cats more than dogs is for this reason, and this reason only: Cats hate me just as much or maybe even MORE than I hate them.

So again I say to you dog owners of the world, I don't care if Fluffy is a pure breed, I don't care if Daisy doesn't shed, and I don't care if Rascal really is "the cutest dog you have ever seen." It will still jump on me like a Rodeo Cowboy on crack when I come to the door. So unless you dog lovers want your dog to accidently run across a meat flavored chocolate cake in the near future, I suggest you kennel 'ol Chester next time you invite me over for lunch.

DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this and I have dog sat for you or will dog sit for you: I LOVE DOGS and looking forward to working with you and your angel pooch in the future. =)