Sleepless in Minneapolis

I am sitting in bed at 4 in the morning because whenever I come home it takes a week minimum for me to be able to get on a regular sleep schedule.

I am home again for another summer of sleeping in the wine cellar of the basement of my parents house in Shoreview, MN. I am graduated from Westmont College with a Social Science degree and an emphasis in History. I have written papers, taken tests, traveled around the world, and study fro hours on end. Now I am looking for a job. I have an amazing summer planned for myself that includes going to Williamsburg, NYC, Wisconsin and back to California. I have weddings to attend, friends to hang out with, hobbies to discover and master, new places to travel and weight to lose! Couldn't be more excited to start the blog again and meet some goals!

This summer will prove to be yet another Tall Tale that will go down in the books with the greats. Watch out Jonny Appleseed and Mr. Bunyon. Im coming for you! And so, I leave you with this poem by the great Shel Silverstein that inspired this blog since day one...

Paul.

He rode through the woods on a big blue ox,

He had fists as hard as choppin' blocks.

Five hundred pounds and nine feet tall,

That's Paul.

Talk about workin', when he swung his axe,

You could hear it ring for a mile and a half

Then he'd yell "Timber!" and down she'd fall...

For Paul.

You talk about drinkin', that man's so mean

That he wouldn't drink nothin' but kerosene

And a 5-gallon can is a little bit small...

For Paul.

You talk about tough, well he once had a fight

With a thunderstorm one cold dark night.

I ain't sayin' who won,

But it don't storm at all... 'round here...

Thanks to Paul.

He was ninety years when he said with a sigh.

"I think I'm gonna lay right down and die.

'Cause sunshine and sorrow, I've seen it all",

Says Paul.

He says, "There ain't no man alive can kill me,

Ain't no woman 'round can thrill me,

And I think heaven just might be a ball"

Says Paul.

So he died... and we cried.

It took eighteen men just to bust the ground.

Took twenty-four more to lower him down.

And we covered him up, and we figured that was all...

For Paul.

But one night the trees started shakin',

The dogs started howlin' and the earth started quakin',

And out of the ground with a "Hi, y'all"...

Come Paul.

He shook the dirt from off his clothes,

He scratched his butt and he wiped his nose.

"Y'know, bein' dead wasn't no fun at all"...

Says Paul.

He says, "Up in heaven they got harps on their knees.

They got clouds and wings but they got no trees.

I don't think that's much of a heaven at all"...

Says Paul.

So he jumps on his ox with a fare-thee-well,

He says, "I'll find out if they's trees in hell".

And he rode away and that was all...we ever seen

Of Paul.

But the next time you hear a "Timber!" yell

That sounds like it's comin' from the pits of hell,

Then a weird and devilish ghostly wail

Like somebody choppin' on the devil's tail,

Then a shout, a call, a crash, a fall...

That ain't no mortal man at all...

That's Paul.

Although she couldn't do one push-up, she thought her hair looked good

I began my summer a little over 2 months ago with several lofty goals such as losing weight and being pro-active (i.e not watching "Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List" marathons everyday). Here I am, several weeks later only a pound or two lighter and able to give you a complete plot summary of each episode of My Life on the D-List and tell you what price the guy on Pawn Stars will actually take. As I sit here, enjoying someone else's house and food, with their dog securely secured in the laundry room, I wonder, for instance, why I am posting a blog mainly about laziness and procrastination instead of studying for the Micro test I have on Wednesday, reading for the papers due in September at Westmont, or at least doing a few crunches. Procrastination has always been a close friend of mine. When confronted by nay-sayers, I usually answer by saying that I thrive on the last minute pressure. This however, is not true. As I have stated before, I am prone to panic attacks, and the last minute pressure makes me ill, sleep deprived, and usually makes my work rushed so it is ful of grmatical erroers. Why then, am I still so prone to procrastinate, you ask? Simple: I DON'T KNOW. I wish I had an answer, other than, "The informercial for the Magic Bullet was on, and it was so convincing, I literally and physically could not turn away." (And yes, this is a recent reason I failed to do my homework- my obsession with As Seen on TV products deserves it's own post, but I will spare you for now). I have gotten off track. My point to this post? Trick question. There is no point. I am avoiding homework right now and would rather write nonsense on my blog than think about graphing!

I will leave you with a list of the 8 best distractions on TV right now...so please enjoy them instead of doing what you actually need to do. I have ordered them by night and time so you will be sure to plan to procrastinate in advance:

MONDAY

1. Cake Boss -TLC Monday's 9/8pm

Join Buddy and his team of bakers as they out-do every cake show on tv and make amazing looking cakes with creative flair and hilarious east coast banter. If nothing else, the accents are worth the show alone. Think of it as the Jersey Shore minus the tans, the idiots, the alcohol, the fighting, and the sleeping around, plus CAKE!

2. Pawn Stars -History Channel Monday's 10/9pm

Pawn Shop owners Rick, Corey, "Chumlee", and "the Old Man" entertain over 400 guests a day in Las Vegas and pawn and sell items ranging from a baby gas mask from England during WWII to a spoon made by Paul Revere himself. This show is funny, but more than anything it's incredibly interesting! The men who work at the shop know so much about history and I come away from each episode knowing something I didn't know before.

TUESDAY

1. Cupcake Wars -Food Network Tuesday's 9/8pm

While Food Network rarely puts out a bad show, this has to be one of my favorites. Contestants are given themes and then have a time limit to create cupcakes that match the theme with presentation and flavor. My favorite part of this show? Thinking of better ideas than the cup cake makers. This show is fun competition, and if you pay close enough attention, nothing is stopping you from creating some of your own fun concoctions!

2. Teen Mom -MTV Tuesday's 10/9pm

I began watching 16 and Pregnant last summer and it was the figurative crack to my life, and now MTV has apparently decided they still want more of my soul and are following the moms from last season as they continue down the rough road of being a teenager and a mom. I can't get enough, I don't know why I like this show. If you are a parent, you should force your children to watch this show as an effective non-evasive form of birth control.

WEDNESDAY

1. Toddler's and Tiaras -TLC Wednesday's 10/9pm

I AM A SICK PERSON. I love this show. It's sad, sick, and wrong in multiple ways, but it's like seeing a car accident, you want to look away, but you can't. T&T follows three pageant contestants per show through the prep and actual competition of a pageant. There are fake tans on babies, fake teeth for 7 year olds who have lost teeth, and weird semi-sexual dances by 4 year olds. While the show claims to be about little cute pageant girls, it's mostly about freak mom's who spend thousands of dollars to convince people that although they themselves are super ugly, if you put enough make-up on their daughters, they have somehow "made it"

THURSDAY

1. The OCD Project -VH1 Thursday's 10/9pm

My mom and I have OCD about OCD. This show follows multiple sufferers of OCD (all different symptoms) as they undergo exposure therapy to cure their OCD tendencies. Dr. Tolin is their primary doctor and is AMAZING. If you can find a way to watch all the episodes of this mini-series, I highly recommend doing so. You get close to all the patients, and root for their success.

OTHER

1. Bizarre Foods -Travel Channel T,W,TH,F scattered times

If you know anything about me you know I have a weird crush on Andrew Zimmern, host of Bizarre Foods. If you have a weak stomach, you may want to stay away from this show. Zimmern travels to different parts of the world to try their most bizarre fare and look at how the culture sees food. I love this show because of Zimmern's knowledge, ability to describe the taste of food, and laid back casual wardrobe. This show rocks. So watch it.

Hot For Tutor

Day two: I arrived early before day two of microeconomics and sat quietly at a library table outside room 203. I quickly realized that I could very well be on the set of Community waiting for my study group to join me and discuss supply/demand and the latest gossip around campus (such an Abed move, I know, right). When I opened my eyes and realized I had been humming the theme song, I realized, sadly that I was alone at the table. That's when I got this great idea: I am going to create a study group just like the one on Community. A rag-tag team of students, different ages, ethnic backgrounds, and home lives. Part one of my plan: Assign parts. I, being Abed of course am most qualified to cast my vision of Community: The Hamline edition so I decided to begin with Shirley, the sassy "mom" of the bunch who brings laughter and a moral tie-in to each shenanigan we find ourselves in. Enter: Sara. My first summer school friend. A young mom of three who sat herself down to me at the study table and asked if we could go over the previous homework assignment. Things were falling into place beautifully. I found my Shirley. We chatted and decided to meet 30 minutes before each class to go over homework, gossip, do each other's nails, and make up dance routines. She only knows about the homework part right now, but once I tell he about my plan she will be in for sure. Next, I needed a Senor Chang the "oxymoronic Chinese spanish language teacher"...enter: Professor Dr. Aziz. A woman with a PhD? Oxymoron? CHECK! Not to press my luck I decided that I had found enough characters for one day.

I may have had a panic attack about my first night of homework but day two quelled any fear I had had the night before. Not only is the homework now mind numbingly easy, but I think I understand it better than 60% of the class. I am feeling smart and on cloud nine until Aziz drops this bomb: A TA will serve as a tutor if needed for the students this summer. A TA? This could be my chance at love! A hot Minnesotan business major looking to help out with a summer class. If he is even remotely good-looking, this class is going to go over my head as quickly as possible. I am totally going to pull a Lohan in Mean Girls on this one. We can only hope and pray that the tutor is the single man of my dreams. I'll keep you updated ladies and gents.

I Hate Dogs

So, besides my Micro class this summer, I seem to have stumbled upon another thing I hate, but do anyways: Dog/House Sitting. Sure, the allure is there: "Amy, move into our fancy shmancy house for a week, we'll buy you food, let you sleep in our bed, watch our giant screen tv, and lay out by our lake, just watch our dogs." But then take into account one- HUGE-problem. I hate dogs. The barking at nothing, the shedding on the couch and DIRECTLY into my sensitive eyes, the jumping on my arm, the humping of my leg, the breath in my MOUTH, the constant desire to play catch... the list could go on for days. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not a heartless "B" that kicks dogs and yells swear words at them (when they don't deserve it), I care for these canines. I give them food, water, some play time, and every now and then I will touch one. I have dog sat for 4 dogs this summer and have one more this next week. I've seen small ones, fat ones, mentally challenged one, dirty ones, and annoying ones. Listen up people! Will someone please tell me what in your right mind makes you go out and by these "companions"? Your 15 year old daughter wants a dog? I would rather you advise her to get pregnant than bring a lab-ra-doodle named Snickers into the house. At least the child will grow up and possibly add to society like be a doctor or at least a waitress for crying out loud. All this dog will do is pee in your house, jump on your guests, be locked in a kennel, contract doggy cancer or cataracts, go completely crazy, and then break your heart when you have to pay a bunch of money to put it down in the most dramatic event of your life. You may see man's best friend, but I have never had a best friend pee in my lap when they got excited, hand me something covered in mucus and expect me to play with them, or stick their face in the crotch of my jeans during an important dinner. Nor have I ever had to yell at a friend for going upstairs, in the kitchen, or basement, or the ten thousand other places pet owners forbid their dog to go. Yea, it kind of sounds like you are buying something you can lock up, lock out, scold, and eventually donate to science: a prisoner.

Your response to someone like me? "Amy! How could you say those things? You know what, come over to my house, you may not like dogs, but you will LOVE my dachshund Frank." NO. I WILL NOT. Your dog is no more special than the other million I have encountered and wanted to test the theory of all dogs going to heaven. Then, with pursed lips and a stuck up nose you say, "Oh, I bet you like cats then, don't you?" And to that I say this...NOPE! Any animal that wakes me up in the middle of the night by sitting on my face and purposely placing their allergens in my eyes and nose for a laugh deserves punishment. I have to say the reason I can stand cats more than dogs is for this reason, and this reason only: Cats hate me just as much or maybe even MORE than I hate them.

So again I say to you dog owners of the world, I don't care if Fluffy is a pure breed, I don't care if Daisy doesn't shed, and I don't care if Rascal really is "the cutest dog you have ever seen." It will still jump on me like a Rodeo Cowboy on crack when I come to the door. So unless you dog lovers want your dog to accidently run across a meat flavored chocolate cake in the near future, I suggest you kennel 'ol Chester next time you invite me over for lunch.

DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this and I have dog sat for you or will dog sit for you: I LOVE DOGS and looking forward to working with you and your angel pooch in the future. =)

Microeconomics 101

Hello Folks,

At the risk of sounding mean, I have decided to blog about my summer course at the esteemed Hamline University in Minneapolis. I was hoping to walk in on day one and see a classroom full of hot, smart, 20 something business majors who were taking some time off from their summer softball leagues and finance internships to fulfill some college course units. Instead what I walked into was a room full of Chinese exchange students holding pocket translators and making the teacher sound like an idiot trying to pronounce their names (one of the nicer ones told her to use his American name, "Alexander"). Not to mention, one of them kept peering over his shoulder to look at me giggle. Apart from the 7 Chinese students, there are 4 grad students (all who have children they have left at home), and one, weird, over eager, white kid who took all his notes in orange highlighter (just like a true winner). I decided that the only way I would make it through the 32 hours of this course was to speak up, but not only speak up, I decided to, on any issue I could, be the devil's advocate. I figure, the grad gals might think it's funny, the weirdy wouldn't have the cajones to disagree, and the Asians wouldn't even get it. The two hour class session barely crawled at a snail's pace and I noticed my note were not only getting sloppier, but I was writing snarky comments in the margins about rational self-interest and GDP. The professor, Fahima Aziz (guess her nationality... yup, she's Irish!) spoke with the knowledge (and accent) of Ghandi and the Fiber One spokesman rolled into one super prof, then decided to take a moment and talk about types of government on a scale from Communist to Capitalist. She made sure that the class knew that U.S was a mixed market economy, and also made sure that the corrupt Chinese spy students understood how much she disliked communism.

When I returned home after an excruciating first day I turned back the clock to middle school and got out some graph paper, a ruler, a calculator, and a velvet Scrunchi. All things I had not touched since Mr. William's 8th grade algebra class. I must admit, I am very prone to panic attacks that occur over the smallest things and while I was plotting a graph showing the direct relationship between Abigail and Brutis' wages at "So-and So Inc." I began to experience shortness of breath, dizziness, and sweaty palms. Okay... so maybe the sweaty palms thing doesn't mean anything (I swear to you I am going to start a foundation one day). Let's just say, I began to freak out. I can't remember the last time I found the slope of a line and frankly, my lack of experience made me nervous. I have never felt the combination of high stress and stupidity together at this level before. Thankfully, I didn't call my neighbor in 7th grade to come tutor me and I made it through my first assignment. Tomorrow's class is only 10 hours away and I can already feel the stress settle in. The theories, the graphs, the politics... my only choice is to suck it up, grab my A and run back to Westmont with my transcript and the pocket translator I plan on stealing from Lee, in my sweaty hands.

JibJab movie!

Happy Fourth of July in advance to all of you as well...

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/MlTsXP3bC74CluVr

Its Been A Long Time...

Sorry to those who check in on my blog a lot. I have been a terrible blogger. Forgive me, I am new at this and I am still not convinced my thoughts are important enough to be blasted through cyber space.

I have been traveling a lot lately: I went to New York City to see my sister, roadtripped to Milwaukee, Chicago, and Pewaukee, and now I am preparing for my drive to Iowa next week for a wedding. I am for sure loving the opportunity of being able to go so many places this summer (that's me taking a glass half full approach on my summer).

Other than that, I am eating healthy, working out, going on errands with my parents, and having family dinners. I am getting into a good groove for the summer I thought would be mind numbingly boring, but I am working on enjoying the relaxing set-up I have with my room mates (aka parents).

I will re-introduce myself with two thoughts that are completely unrelated to anything important that I have been having a lot over the past couple weeks:

1. If I met someone from the future, I would ask them immediately if there is still regular ice cream or if "Dippin' Dots" really IS the ice cream of the future.

2. I am really upset for getting rid of clothes that went out of style, because I have a sinking feeling that the 90's are making a come back. Gap is selling over-all's, celebrities all have middle parts, and cropped shirts are cute.

Also here is a poem I found... Written in 2009 when I was on a run by myself. This is the same run where I went into the woods to "play Bear Grylls" and came out with a case of full body poison oak.

Jimmy crack corn and I DO care

I get so angry when I see him cracking there

He cracks to the left

He cracks to the right

He cracks all around me as he squeals with delight

I get more irate with each corn he cracks

It takes all that is inside me when he smiles, to smile back

I ask him why he chooses to annoy me this way

And his eyes get wet and sad as I hear him say

I crack for our love, I crack for what's true

And ill crack this dang corn til my fingers are blue

Can't you see, dear one, that I want to marry you?

And I will not stop cracking until the day you say I do

Now Jimmy and I are married

And it's three days til little Jimmy is born

And we will be a perfect family, all cracking corn

I promise a new video soon. I am still trying to figure out the new version of iMovie. It gives me a heart attack every time I try and use it. Once I conquer that fear I will post my video in victory.