Although she couldn't do one push-up, she thought her hair looked good

I began my summer a little over 2 months ago with several lofty goals such as losing weight and being pro-active (i.e not watching "Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List" marathons everyday). Here I am, several weeks later only a pound or two lighter and able to give you a complete plot summary of each episode of My Life on the D-List and tell you what price the guy on Pawn Stars will actually take. As I sit here, enjoying someone else's house and food, with their dog securely secured in the laundry room, I wonder, for instance, why I am posting a blog mainly about laziness and procrastination instead of studying for the Micro test I have on Wednesday, reading for the papers due in September at Westmont, or at least doing a few crunches. Procrastination has always been a close friend of mine. When confronted by nay-sayers, I usually answer by saying that I thrive on the last minute pressure. This however, is not true. As I have stated before, I am prone to panic attacks, and the last minute pressure makes me ill, sleep deprived, and usually makes my work rushed so it is ful of grmatical erroers. Why then, am I still so prone to procrastinate, you ask? Simple: I DON'T KNOW. I wish I had an answer, other than, "The informercial for the Magic Bullet was on, and it was so convincing, I literally and physically could not turn away." (And yes, this is a recent reason I failed to do my homework- my obsession with As Seen on TV products deserves it's own post, but I will spare you for now). I have gotten off track. My point to this post? Trick question. There is no point. I am avoiding homework right now and would rather write nonsense on my blog than think about graphing!

I will leave you with a list of the 8 best distractions on TV right now...so please enjoy them instead of doing what you actually need to do. I have ordered them by night and time so you will be sure to plan to procrastinate in advance:

MONDAY

1. Cake Boss -TLC Monday's 9/8pm

Join Buddy and his team of bakers as they out-do every cake show on tv and make amazing looking cakes with creative flair and hilarious east coast banter. If nothing else, the accents are worth the show alone. Think of it as the Jersey Shore minus the tans, the idiots, the alcohol, the fighting, and the sleeping around, plus CAKE!

2. Pawn Stars -History Channel Monday's 10/9pm

Pawn Shop owners Rick, Corey, "Chumlee", and "the Old Man" entertain over 400 guests a day in Las Vegas and pawn and sell items ranging from a baby gas mask from England during WWII to a spoon made by Paul Revere himself. This show is funny, but more than anything it's incredibly interesting! The men who work at the shop know so much about history and I come away from each episode knowing something I didn't know before.

TUESDAY

1. Cupcake Wars -Food Network Tuesday's 9/8pm

While Food Network rarely puts out a bad show, this has to be one of my favorites. Contestants are given themes and then have a time limit to create cupcakes that match the theme with presentation and flavor. My favorite part of this show? Thinking of better ideas than the cup cake makers. This show is fun competition, and if you pay close enough attention, nothing is stopping you from creating some of your own fun concoctions!

2. Teen Mom -MTV Tuesday's 10/9pm

I began watching 16 and Pregnant last summer and it was the figurative crack to my life, and now MTV has apparently decided they still want more of my soul and are following the moms from last season as they continue down the rough road of being a teenager and a mom. I can't get enough, I don't know why I like this show. If you are a parent, you should force your children to watch this show as an effective non-evasive form of birth control.

WEDNESDAY

1. Toddler's and Tiaras -TLC Wednesday's 10/9pm

I AM A SICK PERSON. I love this show. It's sad, sick, and wrong in multiple ways, but it's like seeing a car accident, you want to look away, but you can't. T&T follows three pageant contestants per show through the prep and actual competition of a pageant. There are fake tans on babies, fake teeth for 7 year olds who have lost teeth, and weird semi-sexual dances by 4 year olds. While the show claims to be about little cute pageant girls, it's mostly about freak mom's who spend thousands of dollars to convince people that although they themselves are super ugly, if you put enough make-up on their daughters, they have somehow "made it"

THURSDAY

1. The OCD Project -VH1 Thursday's 10/9pm

My mom and I have OCD about OCD. This show follows multiple sufferers of OCD (all different symptoms) as they undergo exposure therapy to cure their OCD tendencies. Dr. Tolin is their primary doctor and is AMAZING. If you can find a way to watch all the episodes of this mini-series, I highly recommend doing so. You get close to all the patients, and root for their success.

OTHER

1. Bizarre Foods -Travel Channel T,W,TH,F scattered times

If you know anything about me you know I have a weird crush on Andrew Zimmern, host of Bizarre Foods. If you have a weak stomach, you may want to stay away from this show. Zimmern travels to different parts of the world to try their most bizarre fare and look at how the culture sees food. I love this show because of Zimmern's knowledge, ability to describe the taste of food, and laid back casual wardrobe. This show rocks. So watch it.

Hot For Tutor

Day two: I arrived early before day two of microeconomics and sat quietly at a library table outside room 203. I quickly realized that I could very well be on the set of Community waiting for my study group to join me and discuss supply/demand and the latest gossip around campus (such an Abed move, I know, right). When I opened my eyes and realized I had been humming the theme song, I realized, sadly that I was alone at the table. That's when I got this great idea: I am going to create a study group just like the one on Community. A rag-tag team of students, different ages, ethnic backgrounds, and home lives. Part one of my plan: Assign parts. I, being Abed of course am most qualified to cast my vision of Community: The Hamline edition so I decided to begin with Shirley, the sassy "mom" of the bunch who brings laughter and a moral tie-in to each shenanigan we find ourselves in. Enter: Sara. My first summer school friend. A young mom of three who sat herself down to me at the study table and asked if we could go over the previous homework assignment. Things were falling into place beautifully. I found my Shirley. We chatted and decided to meet 30 minutes before each class to go over homework, gossip, do each other's nails, and make up dance routines. She only knows about the homework part right now, but once I tell he about my plan she will be in for sure. Next, I needed a Senor Chang the "oxymoronic Chinese spanish language teacher"...enter: Professor Dr. Aziz. A woman with a PhD? Oxymoron? CHECK! Not to press my luck I decided that I had found enough characters for one day.

I may have had a panic attack about my first night of homework but day two quelled any fear I had had the night before. Not only is the homework now mind numbingly easy, but I think I understand it better than 60% of the class. I am feeling smart and on cloud nine until Aziz drops this bomb: A TA will serve as a tutor if needed for the students this summer. A TA? This could be my chance at love! A hot Minnesotan business major looking to help out with a summer class. If he is even remotely good-looking, this class is going to go over my head as quickly as possible. I am totally going to pull a Lohan in Mean Girls on this one. We can only hope and pray that the tutor is the single man of my dreams. I'll keep you updated ladies and gents.

I Hate Dogs

So, besides my Micro class this summer, I seem to have stumbled upon another thing I hate, but do anyways: Dog/House Sitting. Sure, the allure is there: "Amy, move into our fancy shmancy house for a week, we'll buy you food, let you sleep in our bed, watch our giant screen tv, and lay out by our lake, just watch our dogs." But then take into account one- HUGE-problem. I hate dogs. The barking at nothing, the shedding on the couch and DIRECTLY into my sensitive eyes, the jumping on my arm, the humping of my leg, the breath in my MOUTH, the constant desire to play catch... the list could go on for days. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not a heartless "B" that kicks dogs and yells swear words at them (when they don't deserve it), I care for these canines. I give them food, water, some play time, and every now and then I will touch one. I have dog sat for 4 dogs this summer and have one more this next week. I've seen small ones, fat ones, mentally challenged one, dirty ones, and annoying ones. Listen up people! Will someone please tell me what in your right mind makes you go out and by these "companions"? Your 15 year old daughter wants a dog? I would rather you advise her to get pregnant than bring a lab-ra-doodle named Snickers into the house. At least the child will grow up and possibly add to society like be a doctor or at least a waitress for crying out loud. All this dog will do is pee in your house, jump on your guests, be locked in a kennel, contract doggy cancer or cataracts, go completely crazy, and then break your heart when you have to pay a bunch of money to put it down in the most dramatic event of your life. You may see man's best friend, but I have never had a best friend pee in my lap when they got excited, hand me something covered in mucus and expect me to play with them, or stick their face in the crotch of my jeans during an important dinner. Nor have I ever had to yell at a friend for going upstairs, in the kitchen, or basement, or the ten thousand other places pet owners forbid their dog to go. Yea, it kind of sounds like you are buying something you can lock up, lock out, scold, and eventually donate to science: a prisoner.

Your response to someone like me? "Amy! How could you say those things? You know what, come over to my house, you may not like dogs, but you will LOVE my dachshund Frank." NO. I WILL NOT. Your dog is no more special than the other million I have encountered and wanted to test the theory of all dogs going to heaven. Then, with pursed lips and a stuck up nose you say, "Oh, I bet you like cats then, don't you?" And to that I say this...NOPE! Any animal that wakes me up in the middle of the night by sitting on my face and purposely placing their allergens in my eyes and nose for a laugh deserves punishment. I have to say the reason I can stand cats more than dogs is for this reason, and this reason only: Cats hate me just as much or maybe even MORE than I hate them.

So again I say to you dog owners of the world, I don't care if Fluffy is a pure breed, I don't care if Daisy doesn't shed, and I don't care if Rascal really is "the cutest dog you have ever seen." It will still jump on me like a Rodeo Cowboy on crack when I come to the door. So unless you dog lovers want your dog to accidently run across a meat flavored chocolate cake in the near future, I suggest you kennel 'ol Chester next time you invite me over for lunch.

DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this and I have dog sat for you or will dog sit for you: I LOVE DOGS and looking forward to working with you and your angel pooch in the future. =)

Microeconomics 101

Hello Folks,

At the risk of sounding mean, I have decided to blog about my summer course at the esteemed Hamline University in Minneapolis. I was hoping to walk in on day one and see a classroom full of hot, smart, 20 something business majors who were taking some time off from their summer softball leagues and finance internships to fulfill some college course units. Instead what I walked into was a room full of Chinese exchange students holding pocket translators and making the teacher sound like an idiot trying to pronounce their names (one of the nicer ones told her to use his American name, "Alexander"). Not to mention, one of them kept peering over his shoulder to look at me giggle. Apart from the 7 Chinese students, there are 4 grad students (all who have children they have left at home), and one, weird, over eager, white kid who took all his notes in orange highlighter (just like a true winner). I decided that the only way I would make it through the 32 hours of this course was to speak up, but not only speak up, I decided to, on any issue I could, be the devil's advocate. I figure, the grad gals might think it's funny, the weirdy wouldn't have the cajones to disagree, and the Asians wouldn't even get it. The two hour class session barely crawled at a snail's pace and I noticed my note were not only getting sloppier, but I was writing snarky comments in the margins about rational self-interest and GDP. The professor, Fahima Aziz (guess her nationality... yup, she's Irish!) spoke with the knowledge (and accent) of Ghandi and the Fiber One spokesman rolled into one super prof, then decided to take a moment and talk about types of government on a scale from Communist to Capitalist. She made sure that the class knew that U.S was a mixed market economy, and also made sure that the corrupt Chinese spy students understood how much she disliked communism.

When I returned home after an excruciating first day I turned back the clock to middle school and got out some graph paper, a ruler, a calculator, and a velvet Scrunchi. All things I had not touched since Mr. William's 8th grade algebra class. I must admit, I am very prone to panic attacks that occur over the smallest things and while I was plotting a graph showing the direct relationship between Abigail and Brutis' wages at "So-and So Inc." I began to experience shortness of breath, dizziness, and sweaty palms. Okay... so maybe the sweaty palms thing doesn't mean anything (I swear to you I am going to start a foundation one day). Let's just say, I began to freak out. I can't remember the last time I found the slope of a line and frankly, my lack of experience made me nervous. I have never felt the combination of high stress and stupidity together at this level before. Thankfully, I didn't call my neighbor in 7th grade to come tutor me and I made it through my first assignment. Tomorrow's class is only 10 hours away and I can already feel the stress settle in. The theories, the graphs, the politics... my only choice is to suck it up, grab my A and run back to Westmont with my transcript and the pocket translator I plan on stealing from Lee, in my sweaty hands.

JibJab movie!

Happy Fourth of July in advance to all of you as well...

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/MlTsXP3bC74CluVr

Its Been A Long Time...

Sorry to those who check in on my blog a lot. I have been a terrible blogger. Forgive me, I am new at this and I am still not convinced my thoughts are important enough to be blasted through cyber space.

I have been traveling a lot lately: I went to New York City to see my sister, roadtripped to Milwaukee, Chicago, and Pewaukee, and now I am preparing for my drive to Iowa next week for a wedding. I am for sure loving the opportunity of being able to go so many places this summer (that's me taking a glass half full approach on my summer).

Other than that, I am eating healthy, working out, going on errands with my parents, and having family dinners. I am getting into a good groove for the summer I thought would be mind numbingly boring, but I am working on enjoying the relaxing set-up I have with my room mates (aka parents).

I will re-introduce myself with two thoughts that are completely unrelated to anything important that I have been having a lot over the past couple weeks:

1. If I met someone from the future, I would ask them immediately if there is still regular ice cream or if "Dippin' Dots" really IS the ice cream of the future.

2. I am really upset for getting rid of clothes that went out of style, because I have a sinking feeling that the 90's are making a come back. Gap is selling over-all's, celebrities all have middle parts, and cropped shirts are cute.

Also here is a poem I found... Written in 2009 when I was on a run by myself. This is the same run where I went into the woods to "play Bear Grylls" and came out with a case of full body poison oak.

Jimmy crack corn and I DO care

I get so angry when I see him cracking there

He cracks to the left

He cracks to the right

He cracks all around me as he squeals with delight

I get more irate with each corn he cracks

It takes all that is inside me when he smiles, to smile back

I ask him why he chooses to annoy me this way

And his eyes get wet and sad as I hear him say

I crack for our love, I crack for what's true

And ill crack this dang corn til my fingers are blue

Can't you see, dear one, that I want to marry you?

And I will not stop cracking until the day you say I do

Now Jimmy and I are married

And it's three days til little Jimmy is born

And we will be a perfect family, all cracking corn

I promise a new video soon. I am still trying to figure out the new version of iMovie. It gives me a heart attack every time I try and use it. Once I conquer that fear I will post my video in victory.

Seven State Summer

This summer I will be making several trips around the United States. I will be sure to post a blog about each of them but for now here is what you can look forward to...

Home Base: Shoreview, MN

JUNE:

Pewaukee, WI

*Going to visit my cousin, her husband, and their two ADORABLE little babies Abigail and Brady*

Manhattan/ Brooklyn, NY

*Visiting my sister with my parents in Manhattan and then staying in Brooklyn with my sister alone in her new swanky apartment*

JULY:

IA

*Driving to my cousins wedding and hanging out with a bunch of family I haven't seen in years*

AUGUST:

Hilton Head, SC

*Keeping the Segar, Leh, Merritt tradition alive and going to our house on the beach for a week with my family for a relaxing vacation by the ocean*

Scottsdale, AZ

*Flying to house/babysit for my little nephews and also visiting my grandparents*

Santa Barbara, CA

*Driving 8 hours from AZ to my new apartment in Santa Barbara to begin a new year as a senior in college!*

Today I realized something terrible...

...middle parts make me look like the Prince of Persia.

Pet Peeves

I was walking through the Mall Of America today (or "MOA" as we natives like to call it) and realized that almost everything I see bugs me... I have decided to list my top ten pet peeves here for the world, some of which were inspired by my day at MOA.

1. People who hold things with wheels and look exhausted

2. Men who drive without their shirts on

3. Overweight people who eat Dairy Queen in the car for lunch because "it's quick"

4. People who drive next to you in traffic with all their windows down and then act like they can't hear you when you ask if you can merge into their lane

5. When there is a 70% sale in J. Crew making the cheapest thing 50 dollars (and it's a hair accessory)

6. When the 2 people who you know that have pools both have full time jobs and you are unemployed and its 95 degrees outside

7. When you are watching two shows on tv at the same time and then their commercial breaks start to sync and you have to choose between "16 and Pregnant" on MTV and "Hoarders" on TLC

8. When the only music that motivates you to run everyday is Justin Beiber and you actually hate his music

9. That new country song "Praying for You" by Jaron and the Long Road to Love

10. Men in Victoria's Secret

For more of the things that bother me at MOA feel free to catch this show on TLC. Classic.

I do love my great state of Minnesota and believe the things that irk me, are what makes it the best state in the U S of A.

All About Steve

Okay, so I'm going to be honest here... this video is NOT going to win any awards nor will it make you smarter nor will it give you super powers. My friend Steve and I had high hopes of creating a masterpeice interview, but when we realized how boring we actually are, we were left with 8 minutes of this... Enjoy!

*Please note* there is no ending to this video...things just ended when his brother called and we realized we were late for a lacrosse game across town. But COMING SOON...

There will be the posting of a movie made in 2006 by my friends and I as well as the long awaited sequel made in 2010, four long years later... keep a sharp eye for these masterpeices to be posted SOON! For now enjoy two friends, just catchin up...

I would also like to thank those who do check up on my bloggy blog, I am starting to feel famous like that Julia girl who learned how to cook and they made a movie about her. What I am trying to say is that they should make a movie about me.

I love you all dearly (shout out to the ABRAHAMIANS!)

Apapacho.

Dear Lauren...This is for you...

It's all for you.

I decided today, to talk to the camera about all my feelings. I have to give styling credit to Maria Bamford- a Minnesotan Comidianne- who inspires what I think is funny.

Shoreview: Avenged

I took a walk today through my favorite place in the world. The dog park in my neighborhood.

But then I realized...

Shoreview has been plagiarized. I was walking through the local dog park and something clicked. As I looked around I began to notice similarities between movies and the park. Then it hit me, directors have been using Shoreview as a muse for their inspiration to create block busters on the silver screen. Well I am here to expose this tragedy and give Shoreview the acknowledgement it deserves. I didn't hear Peter Jackson give a special thanks to Minnesota when he won all those Oscars for Lord of the Rings- or maybe he was holding so many that it covered his mouth and we couldn't hear it. You are welcome Hollywood, for being there for you and asking for nothing in return. It is now time I chastise you in this public forum (read by 3 people) for what you have done.

We start with George Lucas. The worm below is named Henry. He is the father of a thousand and a loyal husband. He works hard everyday to bring home better soil for his family and attends church every Sunday. I talked to Henry recently and he told me about the time when George Lucas stopped by to say hello. Little did Henry know, Lucas was stealing ideas for a creature he wanted to use in his next Star Wars film. And those "family portraits" Lucas was eager to take for them? Henry has yet to see them. Now, with the economy the way it is, Henry feels that he deserves some credit for his role in inspiring the creature on the meteor that Han Solo flies his ship into. I went to get some remarks from Henry today, and found him fried on the sidewalk. I hope he can rest now knowing he has been recognized as Lucas's true muse.

And you, Guillermo del Toro. I saw Pan's Labyrinth and the whole time couldn't help but thinking that the tree in it looked slightly familiar. Don't try to get away with it, I know you are a suave and acclaimed director, and you speak really awesome Spanish, but there is no excuse for this...

Well if it isn't Peter Jackson. You would think that filming in New Zealand and Australia would be enough, but you had to fly all the way to Minnesota to steal our beautiful "countryside"? I guess I can say thank you for not completely changing the name of "Shoreview" when renaming your Hobbit infested land the "Shire" but please, leave us alone, and stay on your island.

Yet again, Jackson. And this time, naming them the dead marshes? This used to be a thriving running river where my friends and I would go on hot summer days to relax and play. I believe we called it "the swimmin' hole" not "the dead marshes" maybe you should release another version of your movies calling this place what it really is.

Well if it isn't George Lucas. Back again to silently steal the majestic forests of Shoreview. As a child I used to take my bike speeding down the trails of this wooded area pretending to shoot lasers at my friends, and even that made it into your stupid movie. So you are taking my childhood now, too? You know what? I bet no one even watches your silly sci-fi movies anyways.

ld expect it from a human, but not you Little Foot. You and I both know, the first ever "tree stars" or as we people like to call them, LEAVES, came right here from Shoreview Minnesota.

Okay Motocrossed, you might be the best Disney Channel Original Movie, but there is NOTHING original about stealing OUR bike trick hang zone, and making money from it. You need to hike back to this hidden trick park and give all the 6th graders the profit they deserve for inspiring your "original" movie.

"Momma always said life is like a box of chocolate." Okay, Mr. Gump, but did she ever tell you it was wrong to steal? There is only one place you could have gotten the idea for a bench, and that is right here in Shoreview. It's so obvious. Where is your integrity?

Dear Pocohantas, please stop running around my park looking to get inspired for your films. It's annoying and scares me when I'm rollerblading. Its like you took a picture of my favorite rock and tried to duplicate the photo in your movie. Well I want my rock back.

Just around the river bend? You know what is just around the river bend Poco? My fist of justice.

Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?

Day one:

1. Sleep until 11 a.m.

2. Clean

3. Run

4. One of the greatest movies of all time. A movie that surely inspired movies like Sandlot and the Goonies- forever changing the way we look at summertime and friends

"If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it."

Stand By Me boasts one of the greatest soundtracks of all time as well including:

Yakety-Yack by The Coasters

Come Go With Me by the Del Vikings

Everyday by Buddy Holly

and

Book of Love by the Monotones

A special shout out to a younger, "bleachier" Keifer Sutherland

5. Salmon for dinner

Summer is proving to be more exciting than I thought

Night One

This summer I am living in Shoreview, Minnesota. A 12.7 square mile city in Ramsey County, in a state hugged by The Dakotas, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Big Brother Canada to "da nort." My house sits quietly on a street only occasionally rustled by the scooters and tricycles of a family on their post-supper walk taking in the sweet aroma of the bbq being had by a few other families on the block and the blooming of my families many assorted planted flowers. Our house is inhabited by my mother who enjoys tea, my father who is learning to cook, and the memory of a loved family pet who passed several years ago and still brings allergic tears to my eyes when I sit on his favorite chair.

Currently I am sitting under a toile comforter propped up by two decorative pillows, jobless and looking for something to do this summer to keep me sane. So far, my summer plans include going on a diet and taking a summer school economics class at the highly acclaimed Hamline University. I plan on blogging to keep my reader informed of the woes of a 21 year old college student living in her parents house for the summer.

I find myself staring off into the distance sometimes reflecting upon my past year in Santa Barbara living in the hustle and bustle of State Street and trying to keep my head above water amongst the sea of academic rigor that Westmont claims and upholds. I miss it, yes. But this summer will prove to be something sweeter, slower, and challenging in new ways. I may feel crazy and visit Paul Bunyon in Bemidji, get lost in the Mall of America, go to a Twins game in the new Target Stadium, or try and find where Minnesota's most notorious celebrity actually lives (please note awesome earring).

Hopefully this summer will live on as legend along with my other favorite American Tall Tales.

I leave you with this video of the most exciting thing to happen in this town since is founding in 1957... and yes... the girl interviewed is named Arwen.